God I am sorry and seemingly lost
Dear God, I don't know what I should be doing. I had a mission when I started out this year and certainly last year but everything got messed up. And now I'm with somebody who shows me by way of mimicry how terrible I have been to other people. I am broke no apartment. Don't know if I could live on my own without him. Don't want to think about being alone. Can't seem to succeed at any of my endeavors. Obviously I am an ingrate. I don't know what to hold on to and I really don't seem to have the wear with all to do it anymore anyway. I can't imagine why I'm still breathing. I try to reach out to you which gives me a little peace. I am very scared and lost and I kind of wish I were not alive to see the next hurtful thing that is coming. Is there a way that you could turn the wheel so that it doesn't hurt again. I just started or rather drank this week after two and a half years of not doing it. I hated it, tasted awful. But I am so confused sometimes it feels like this man and I are a beautiful team and sometimes I feel like his punching bag. Sometimes I am so glad when he goes to work so that I don't have to be around him. I haven't reached out to friends don't have any interest in spending energy on them. Guess I need a psychotherapist. Am going to have to find some place to put my address because SSI won't be able to contact me without it. Everything is just in shambles. I know I have been bad. And I know I am ignorant. But I never imagined that this would be my life. This is almost not worth being born for. Forgive me. I am disappointed at myself and my mis-allocation of everything that ever came my way. Please take care of Dad and Mike's father too. And my sister and his mother Reba. Have mercy God I am so very weary and confused.
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